Flightless bird

Its been so long. There’s really no excuses. Aside from an insanely busy winter season at work and SO much stuff going on.

Its a new year and so many strange, exciting things have already happened. I think this will be a year full of things that I’ve never imagined. I sometimes find myself “not being surprised“. I want to change that. I want to expect joy out of every little thing that happens. I want to experience the unexpected. I want to stop feeling removed.

I think what brought this around was a bit of news I got on Friday. After nearly two years of struggling, I received a formal diagnosis of Systemic Lupus and Fibromyalgia. It was a relief, I must admit. It’s been a long go and I was getting pretty frustrated.  I’m tired of being a ping-pong ball lost in our medical system, whacked around from doctor to doctor. Relief was a big emotion. I waltzed out of my new specialists office feeling pretty great. I figured that now everything would sort itself out and I would be treated quickly and go back to living a somewhat normal life.

WRONG.

Reality hit me hard. My new medication is terrible, at least so far. I’m absolutely exhausted, I’m an emotional wreck. I’ve snapped at family members, been a grump to my friends, walked around in a daze. I’ve been in a fog since Saturday. I’ve had a few gorgeous moments of clarity, but mostly I’ve been pretty out of it. I feel like I had all the expectations. All these dreams. And I look at the prognosis the doctor gave me and all I see is the rest of my life planned out around medications and tests and operations. I see it all laid out so clinically and I don’t have the energy to face it. I don’t want to even try. I’ve had my wings clipped, brutally.

I feel lost.

But I am not that person. I don’t want to be, anyways. I want to be the kind of person that fights back. And fights so hard.

So when the opportunity came up to do a photo shoot with Lena-marie Pawluck of Little Inspirations Photography, I took it! In a quick aside, Lena is fabulous. She made me look like an absolute goddess and I cannot recommend her enough. So talented. (Thanks Lena!)

Anyways, I was really struggling to work up the energy for the photo shoot. To work up the emotion. And I had to actually, literally stare myself down in the mirror and promise myself I wouldn’t give up. Photo shoots are something that have always brought me so much joy and fun and I wouldn’t, I couldn’t, let my disease take this away from me.

Here’s what happened that day.

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Who is that girl!? She’s not some sick weakling with no ambition. She’s a fighter. I am a fighter. My mom told me so and I believe her. I will fight and I will thrive because surviving isn’t good enough for me. I thought it could be but now I can see that it’s not.

I might be a flightless bird now but not for long. I know each day will be easier and I’ll stop feeling like everything is insurmountable. I am not my disease. It does not define me. It does not control me.

At least, not anymore.

Love,
Savvy.

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2 thoughts on “Flightless bird

  1. here’s the deal with long term chronic immunity issues….you do what you can, when you can…and then you wait till you can again. If you fight it – it will get the best of you…patience Savvy – learn to do things that will see you through your down times and wait patiently until you can get up and go again. Big Mad Love Little Sister.

  2. You are beautiful Savannah! Praying for you as you walk through all of this. You are so amazing and it was great to see you and get to know you a bit better over Christmas.

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