Its been so long. There’s really no excuses. Aside from an insanely busy winter season at work and SO much stuff going on.
Its a new year and so many strange, exciting things have already happened. I think this will be a year full of things that I’ve never imagined. I sometimes find myself “not being surprised“. I want to change that. I want to expect joy out of every little thing that happens. I want to experience the unexpected. I want to stop feeling removed.
I think what brought this around was a bit of news I got on Friday. After nearly two years of struggling, I received a formal diagnosis of Systemic Lupus and Fibromyalgia. It was a relief, I must admit. It’s been a long go and I was getting pretty frustrated. I’m tired of being a ping-pong ball lost in our medical system, whacked around from doctor to doctor. Relief was a big emotion. I waltzed out of my new specialists office feeling pretty great. I figured that now everything would sort itself out and I would be treated quickly and go back to living a somewhat normal life.
Reality hit me hard. My new medication is terrible, at least so far. I’m absolutely exhausted, I’m an emotional wreck. I’ve snapped at family members, been a grump to my friends, walked around in a daze. I’ve been in a fog since Saturday. I’ve had a few gorgeous moments of clarity, but mostly I’ve been pretty out of it. I feel like I had all the expectations. All these dreams. And I look at the prognosis the doctor gave me and all I see is the rest of my life planned out around medications and tests and operations. I see it all laid out so clinically and I don’t have the energy to face it. I don’t want to even try. I’ve had my wings clipped, brutally.
I feel lost.
But I am not that person. I don’t want to be, anyways. I want to be the kind of person that fights back. And fights so hard.
So when the opportunity came up to do a photo shoot with Lena-marie Pawluck of Little Inspirations Photography, I took it! In a quick aside, Lena is fabulous. She made me look like an absolute goddess and I cannot recommend her enough. So talented. (Thanks Lena!)
Anyways, I was really struggling to work up the energy for the photo shoot. To work up the emotion. And I had to actually, literally stare myself down in the mirror and promise myself I wouldn’t give up. Photo shoots are something that have always brought me so much joy and fun and I wouldn’t, I couldn’t, let my disease take this away from me.
Here’s what happened that day.
Who is that girl!? She’s not some sick weakling with no ambition. She’s a fighter. I am a fighter. My mom told me so and I believe her. I will fight and I will thrive because surviving isn’t good enough for me. I thought it could be but now I can see that it’s not.
I might be a flightless bird now but not for long. I know each day will be easier and I’ll stop feeling like everything is insurmountable. I am not my disease. It does not define me. It does not control me.
At least, not anymore.